When closeness feels difficult after childhood sexual abuse

You want someone close. Then a personal question, an argument, or a moment of physical intimacy leaves you wanting distance. It can be difficult to explain that change, especially when you do not fully understand it yourself.

If you experienced childhood sexual abuse, it can be worth exploring how that experience relates to trust and closeness now. It is also important to leave room for other explanations. Relationship difficulties do not establish a trauma diagnosis, and surviving abuse does not mean you are destined to have them.

Notice the situation before judging yourself.

The National Center for PTSD describes associations between PTSD symptoms and relationship difficulties, including problems with intimacy. Avoidance and emotional numbing are particularly relevant. This does not mean that trauma explains every difficulty with closeness. Not everyone who has experienced abuse has PTSD, and these descriptions are not a test you can use to diagnose yourself.1

A more useful place to begin may be one ordinary moment. What was happening when you wanted to pull away? Did you need privacy, a slower conversation, clearer consent, or time to find your words? You can explore that moment without deciding it explains your entire relationship.

Ask for something specific.

In a relationship where it feels safe to speak openly, a small request can be easier to communicate than a complete explanation of your history. For example: “I want to talk, but I’m getting overwhelmed. Can we pause and choose a time to return to this?” Or, “Please ask before touching me when we’re having a difficult conversation.”

These are examples to adapt, not scripts you must use. A pause works best when both people understand what it means and when the conversation will resume. You do not owe anyone physical intimacy or a detailed disclosure to justify a boundary.

Closeness does not require telling everything.

You may decide to share something about your past with a partner. You may decide you are not ready. RAINN’s disclosure guidance encourages survivors to consider whom they trust, what they want to share, and the support they need.2

You can describe a present need without giving a full history: “This subject is difficult for me. I would like you to listen before we try to solve it.” A partner can care about you without becoming your therapist, and both people’s needs deserve attention.

Make room for safety and accountability.

Understanding someone’s history does not excuse threats, coercion, or controlling behavior. If you fear a partner’s reaction, prioritize support and safety rather than trying a vulnerable conversation alone. Independent survivor services can help you consider your options.

Individual therapy offers a place to explore your own reactions, boundaries, and choices. Couples work is a separate service with its own assessment of fit; SCENE’s men’s therapy service is individual therapy.

A conversation about what you want to change

You might begin by saying, “I want to understand why I pull away,” or, “I want to feel more able to say what I need.” You do not have to promise a particular outcome before asking for help.

Explore childhood sexual trauma therapy for men with Michael Lockwood, LCSW. Licensed in New York, Colorado, and Connecticut; telehealth eligibility and availability are confirmed before scheduling. New self-pay sessions are $150. Use the client portal to inquire; a request is not a confirmed appointment.

General information, not a diagnosis or individual treatment plan. For independent support, visit RAINN or SCENE’s resources.

Further reading

1. National Center for PTSD: PTSD and the Family. See also Common Reactions After Trauma.

2. RAINN: Thinking through disclosure.

Do I have to tell my whole story in therapy?

You have opened the appointment page. Maybe you have even started typing. Then comes the question: if you book, will you have to say everything out loud?

You can ask about therapy without putting a detailed account of childhood sexual abuse in your first message. A first conversation can begin with what you want help with now—and with the fact that talking about the past feels difficult.

Start with the question that is stopping you.

There is no need to make your opening sound polished. You could say, “I want to ask about therapy, but I’m worried about how much I’ll have to explain.” Or, “Something happened when I was younger. Before we discuss it, I want to understand how you work.”

Those are useful things for a therapist to know. They make room for a conversation about expectations, pacing, and whether you feel comfortable working together. RAINN’s guidance on therapy emphasizes the importance of trust, choice, and discussing what to expect before moving into difficult material.1

Ask what information is needed—and why.

A therapist may ask about your current concerns, safety, health history, and goals to understand your needs. You can ask why a question matters or say that you are finding it hard to answer. Different therapies involve different kinds of work; ask what the proposed approach would involve rather than assuming every session means recounting the past.

Starting without a detailed account is different from saying that treatment will never involve the trauma. Some PTSD treatments involve discussing the event; others focus more on how you understand it. For example, a detailed written account is optional in Cognitive Processing Therapy, while Prolonged Exposure includes repeated discussion of the memory. Ask what an approach involves, including possible discomfort, benefits, and alternatives, before choosing it with your therapist.3 These examples describe treatment options generally; they do not mean SCENE offers those specific methods.

Before sharing sensitive details, ask the therapist to explain confidentiality and its limits. A website article cannot tell you exactly how those limits apply to your circumstances.

You can talk about the present.

Perhaps the immediate issue is that you withdraw during disagreements. Perhaps you are struggling with trust, alcohol use, or the way you speak to yourself. Perhaps you simply want a place to think without being interrupted.

Choose one current concern as a starting point. You do not have to decide on your own whether childhood experiences explain it. That is something to explore carefully, without forcing a conclusion.

Bring questions, not a performance.

If a short note would help you remember what you want to ask, you might write: “What happens during the first session?” “How do we decide what to focus on?” “What can we do if a conversation feels too much?” You do not need to rehearse a disclosure or write down upsetting details just to ask about therapy. Any preparation for an agreed treatment should be discussed with your therapist.

Outside therapy, decisions about whom to tell and how much to share are personal. RAINN offers a separate guide to thinking through disclosure and support.2

Taking a first step with SCENE

SCENE offers individual therapy for adult men, including men seeking support with childhood sexual trauma. Michael Lockwood, LCSW, is licensed in New York, Colorado, and Connecticut. Eligibility and availability are confirmed before scheduling. New self-pay therapy sessions are $150.

Learn about men’s childhood sexual trauma therapy, or inquire through the client portal. A request is not a confirmed appointment. Keep ordinary email brief and use the portal for personal or clinical information.

This is general information, not an individual assessment. For independent sexual assault support, visit RAINN. SCENE’s booking portal is not an emergency service.

Further reading

1. RAINN: Therapy and survivor choice.

2. RAINN: Talking with someone about sexual assault.

3. National Center for PTSD: Cognitive Processing Therapy and Prolonged Exposure.

inner child

Not everyone connects with their inner child or even has the desire to. What made you want to explore this concept?

Well I had to realize that all my adult ways weren’t working. I tried therapy, I tried to handle the here and now, I tried to mask, I drank, I tried to handle each situation as an adult would. Unfortunately the trauma that occurred during adolescence was never settled then so as an adult I went to therapy for relief. CBT helped a bit, EMDR didn’t help at all. It wasn’t for me, it opened doors too quickly. I still wasn’t getting the help I needed. I had to be honest with myself. I worked to quiet the external noises, to quiet my adult voice and instead I listened. That’s when my inner child popped up. That’s how the work started. He didn’t necessarily want to talk to me, he didn’t think I could control the situation. It took a while for me to understand that that was my inner child speaking up. It took a lot of digging, a lot of looking in the mirror, dropping of the ego, and giving time and space to my core needs- which for my situation was a lack of nurturing, a lack of protection from the world, a lack of healthy exposure to challenges to the world. I would describe it as being thrown into a deep end of a pool before you’re ready. I asked Little Michael “Why don’t you want to get into the pool anymore?” and I had to listen to his feelings, I had to validate him, try to earn his trust. We talked about steps, maybe entering the kiddie pool first, maybe just walking in the rain, anything water related. You have to meet your inner child where they are at and earn their trust again and again. The survival skills I had built up until then were kicking and screaming in the pool when there was perceived danger. And that translates to so much heartache in adulthood. For me a major one was living with debilitating anxiety. And those taught survival skills that follow us into adulthood is what I work with my clients on. It all starts back in childhood. The sooner I can reconnect them to that original learned coping skill, the sooner they get better.

Inner child work is all individualized. It’s based on how you think, the way you are able to conceptualize how trauma manifests currently. Some people may not even want to identify this child while they are in adulthood. They think they’ve moved past it. They don’t even want to look at their inner child. Maybe they don’t even know how to start. Personally for me, It was helpful to hang a picture of me as a kid in my office. This reminds me every day to check in with my feelings. Where are they coming from? How old are these thoughts? Then I can communicate. I can offer understanding and even apologize that these traumatic events happened to Little Michael. I tell him “It was not your fault, you were a child, etc.” Sometimes young adult Michael will come out with his fuck the world anger. He wants to push back on anything anyone says even if it is trying to help. But young adult Michael needs healing too. He needs to trust adult Michael as well.

I see now the way I move through life is like traveling with a caravan of these different Michaels. Baby Michael may be in the back seat crying, adolescent Michael may be raging in the front, resisting the trip. You have to go through life as their parent. You have to be fair. You have to be nurturing. You have to be careful. Your passengers don’t trust you. If they trusted you they wouldn’t be screaming “Mask! Isolate, don’t let anyone get too close! Don’t trust anyone!

So it sounds like you have the mental separation when communicating to younger versions of yourself. Do you have that separation with current day Michael? Do you communicate with him?

Absolutely. You have to talk to your current day self otherwise you get caretaker fatigue. If you’re constantly people pleasing these internal systems, you are ignoring your present day self. What I have found to work is when you are all together, you remind them of all the changes you’ve made, all the work you’ve done on yourself, and you do that work to help them move forward. Also it is so important to check in with your current self. Ask yourself what do I need in this moment? Are the people in my life treating me well? Are they nurturing? Keep in mind it’s a slippery slope when you start thinking externally. You don’t want to assign external factors as the major contributors to your happiness. But in the beginning of this process it is helpful to surround yourself with positive influences. Identifying what you need is key. You have to be honest with yourself. If no one was looking, if there is no societal expectation, what is it that you need? How would you articulate that to yourself? Is it a hug, a dinner made for you, a pat on the back, words of encouragement? Do you need someone to remind you of everything you’ve gone though, everything you’ve survived? This is especially hard for men. And we know now how toxic societal bred masculinity can be. It isn’t working for us. It’s time to accept that and move onto what does work for us. All of these things you can now offer yourself in the moment. You can offer them to your younger selves.

Would you consider your inner child your true self?

The thing about trauma is that it traps you in that time where the event occurred. You can’t bust out of it. If you had trauma at five like I did, you don’t have the skills to get yourself out. Your psyche is stunted there, your survival skills are stunted there. You look around and see that no one is normalizing your experience, you realize that you have to bottle this up, no one is going to be here for me. Or you develop a fear of abandonment, you attach yourself to other people easily. So what I’ve done for myself and for my clients is look through their whole lives, all parts of them. How did they look at the world? How do they look at people around them? How they were hurt. What they needed. Once my clients began to make those connections they saw positive changes in their lives. It is hard. And it takes a good practitioner to sit there with you and go through everything and pull the weeds. Some practitioners watch the grass grow, empathize with you, or they help you mow the lawn and ignore the weeds. I’m on my hands and knees pulling the weeds with you in the brutal sun. But the work is getting done.

What this can mean in therapy

For me, “inner child” is a way of talking about the younger experiences, feelings, and needs I still carry. You do not have to picture a younger version of yourself, or use that phrase, to talk about your childhood.

We can begin with something happening now: a conversation that leaves you shutting down, a boundary that is hard to hold, or a familiar feeling that you are not good enough. From there, we can explore what feels connected to your past and what would help you respond differently today.

Your pace matters

The interview above describes my personal experience. It is not a prediction of how therapy will feel for you. We can talk about what you want help with, how comfortable you are discussing the past, and whether this approach fits your needs. You do not need to tell your whole story in the first conversation.

The National Institute of Mental Health explains that psychotherapy should be chosen around a person’s needs and circumstances. Different approaches serve different purposes; no single method is the right fit for everyone. Read NIMH’s guide to psychotherapy.

A place to start

You can come in with a question, a pattern you want to understand, or simply the sense that something needs to change. We can start there.

Learn about working with Michael or inquire about therapy.